- 好想跟你做 - 我也是 -I want to fuck you so bad. -Me too.
MAX 原创剧集
你让我欲火焚身 You make me so hard.
打个岔‥ 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me.
停下来好吗 Can you stop?
我们要送女儿来上学 We're dropping our daughter off at school.
- 我看到你勃起了 - 妈 - I can see your erection. - Mom!
大学女生的性生活
第一季 第 1 集
艾赛克斯学院 Essex College?
一定要选离我三千哩的学校吗 Did you have to pick a school that was 3,000 miles away from me?
感觉几乎像是故意选的 It's almost like I did that on purpose.
弗蒙特耶 这地方也能自成一州 I mean, Vermont? Why's it even a state?
就是一堆大麻毒虫 在做枫糖浆罢了 Bunch of potheads making maple syrup.
我很高兴你愿意抽时间 开车送我来 I don't know. I'm just happy that you made the time to drop me off at school.
继续说吧乖女儿 Okay, go on, honey.
有时间跟你相处真好 It's just nice to spend time with you.
该死的 God damn it.
贾姬 我今天送女儿上大学 Look, Jackie, I am dropping my daughter off at college today.
这是唯一重要的事 That is the only thing that matters.
有线电视新闻网吗 Oh, CNN?
好 接过来 Okay, yes, put them through.
抱歉 Sorry.
杰克塔柏 你好吗 亲爱的 Jake Tapper. How you doin', sweetheart?
今天要我评论什么事 What am I commenting on today?
看小贝贝 我帮你准备了惊喜 Look, beta, I brought a surprise for you
让你有家的感觉 to remind you of home.
- 是巴斯比先生 - 妈当真- - It's Mr. Busby! - Mom, are you serious?
怎么了 你很爱巴斯比先生啊 What? You love Mr. Busby.
妈 我才不要带玩具熊上大学 Mom, I'm not bringing my teddy bear to college with me.
我十八岁了 正在自我改造中 I'm 18 years old, I'm in the middle of my reinvention.
别又提什么自我改造了 Not with the reinvention again.
爸 记得班艾佛列克背上刺了浴火凤凰吗 Dad, remember when Ben Affleck got that giant back tattoo of a phoenix rising up from the ashes?
海边的曼彻斯特是他演的 Is he in Manchester by the Sea?
- 那部电影好悲伤 - 那是他弟弟 -Oh, very sad film. -That's the other Affleck.
那只凤凰让我很有感触 Look, that phoenix made total sense to me.
班需要改变 Ben needed a change.
需要永久蜕变肉身以扭转人生 He needed to transform his life with a permanent physical metamorphosis.
我也是 And so did I.
四个月前我是个印度呆呆女 满脸痘痘腋下冒汗 戴着大眼镜 Four months ago, I was an Indian loser with cystic acne sweaty armpits, and glasses.
但是我做了雷射手术 吃药治痘痘 打肉毒治腋汗 But with Lasik procedure, an Accutane prescription and medical-grade Botox injected into my armpits...
我终于变正常人了 I'm normal.
- 要我把巴斯比先生丢掉吗 - 不要丢别傻了 - So should I throw Mr. Busby away? - No, Mom, don't be stupid.
带它回家 放在我卧室的架子上 Just take him home and put him on a shelf in my bedroom.
- 孩子 - 爸 - Hey, there, kiddo. - Hey, Dad.
你进去之前我只想说‥ Before we go inside, I just want to say...
- 爸拜托不要哭 - 你是我们家第一个大学生 - Dad. Don't cry, please. - You're the first Finkle to go to college.
- 拜托别哭 - 我以你为荣 -Dad, I need you not to cry right now. - And I'm so proud of you.
你真是个特别的女孩 You're such a special girl.
- 我应该更常跟你说的 - 老公‥ - I haven't told you enough. - Honey, honey...
你进去 定定神 去车上坐一下 Why don't you go inside, and just get yourself together? Go sit in the car.
宝贝 拜托一定要小心 Honey, you gotta promise me you're gonna be careful
因为你会认识很多‥.不同的人 because you're gonna meet all kinds of... new people.
这是因为他们是中东人吗 太没礼貌了 Are you saying that because they're Middle Eastern? That's so offensive.
我就是喜欢这里的多元化 I came here because it's diverse.
我们住在全世界最白的镇上 We're from the whitest town in the world.
爸连塔可饼都不吃 Dad won't even eat tacos.
有人说塔可饼吗 我今天可以吃 Someone say tacos? I can't handle that today.
反正胃已经不舒服了 My stomach is already a mess.
老公不吃异国食物 我保证 No, honey, no ethnic food. I promise.
不是 我说的是有钱人 他们可能会带坏你 No, I meant rich people. They can be a bad influence.
还记得那个凯勒吗 Do you remember that Caleb Vicars boy?
他大你两届 他上了宾州大学 交了有钱的朋友 He was two grades above you? He got into Penn met some rich friends,
结果染上可卡因毒瘾被逮捕 he got addicted to cocaine and got arrested...
- 罪名是卖淫 - 妈 - for selling his body. - Mom!
我不希望你变成那样 I don't want that future for you.
妈 我也不想当妓女 Yeah, Mom, I don't wanna become a prostitute either.
新英格兰很特别对吧 Something about New England, isn't there?
也许是树木河流或空气 总之让我觉得活力满满 Maybe it's the trees, or the rivers, the air... I just feel so alive here.
爸你超迷新英格兰的 Dad, you're obsessed with New England.
活像是想跟新英格兰上床 I mean, it's like you want to have sex with New England.
不可能的 That's not possible.
艾丝密和凡雀嘉没回我简讯 God, Esme and Francesca haven't texted me back yet.
她们一定有很多别人听不懂的笑话了 They probably have a ton of new inside jokes by now.
宝贝 你真的觉得 跟高中好友当室友是好主意吗 You know, honey, are you sure it's the best idea to be roommates in college with your friends from high school?
- 你不该拓展朋友圈吗 - 爸 她们是我的知己 - Shouldn't you branch out? - Dad, Esme and Francesca are my soulmates.
是我认识最好的人 Okay? They are literally the best people I have ever known.
你忘了凡雀嘉 在鳕角湾丢下你的事吗 Okay, but what about that time that Francesca totally abandoned you in Cape Cod?
她那时很低潮她爸刚被查税 She was having a really tough time, okay? Her dad just got audited.
我想说的是艾丝密和凡雀嘉 可能会带坏你 Honey, I think what I'm trying to say is I don't think Esme and Francesca are the best influences on you.
她们有时候很混蛋 You know? They're kinda assholes?
爸可以别说我朋友是混蛋吗 Dad, can you please not call my friends assholes?
反正也没差 我们已经要住一起了 All right? And it doesn't even make a difference, okay? We're already living together.
你高兴就好 Well, if that's what makes you happy.
更重要的是 I mean, I guess what's really important is that
宝贝女儿变成我的小学妹了 my baby girl is going to my alma mater!
跟你说 四年之后 I'm telling you, after the next four years
你大概也会想跟新英格兰做爱 you're probably gonna want to have sex with New England too.
戴尔 推的时候腿在用力吧 Dale, I hope you're using your legs to push that.
卡萝 我分不清楚哪里在出力 I can't tell what I'm using, Carol.
呼叫金柏丽 Earth to Kimberly.
你爸的坐骨神经痛随时会犯 Your father's sciatica's gonna act up at any minute now.
来帮他 Here, help him out.
- 我没问题的 - 我来‥. - I got it, Carol. - You know what? I'll do it, I'll do it.
妈可以趁别人没来之前 换掉牛仔裤吗 Mom, could you change your jeans before anyone gets here?
嘿 Hey!
嘿 你一定就是金柏丽了 Hey, you must be Kimberly!
天啊 我好兴奋 Oh, my Gosh! I'm so excited!
我们是你的室友 We're your roommates.
我是贝拉那 是惠妮和蕾登 I'm Bela, that's Whitney that's Leighton.
开玩笑的他们是我的印度爸妈 Just kidding, they're my Indian parents.
- 很高兴认识你 - 彼此 - It's nice to meet you. - Oh, it's nice to meet you, too.
这是我爸妈卡萝和戴尔 These are my parents. Carol and Dale.
- 你好‥ - 幸会 - Hello. - Great to meet you.
我们是爱尔兰人 We're Irish.
我们镇上有一间印度餐厅 Yeah, there's an Indian restaurant in our town.
但我没去过 Never been.
你的赛斯梅尔海报很不错 可以看到他的脸 I love your Seth Meyers poster. You can really see his face.
谢了 Thanks.
他是我的梦中情人 Yeah, he's sort of my dream guy.
能编能演的双栖艺人 Double-threat writer and performer on SNL
那是我的目标 just like I want to be.
我想跟他上床 但又想变成他 It's like, I want to have sex with him... but I also want to be him.
你上网查过另外两个女生吗 我显然查过了 Hey, did you Google the other girls? I obviously did.
没想到我们居然 跟惠妮却斯是室友 Can you believe we're living with Whitney Chase?
是啊超酷的 室友居然是参议员的女儿 I know, it is so cool that we're living with a senator's daughter.
我买了一本宪法 让她妈签名 I bought a copy of the Constitution for her mom to sign.
很夸张吧 如果两年后我们还是室友 Wouldn't it be nuts if, like, two years from now we were all still rooming together,
她妈妈却当上总统了 but she was, like president or something?
她的确很有人气 但声望还不足以当总统 Oh, she's popular, sure. I just don't think she's respected enough to be president.
有意思 我想提出反驳 Interesting. I'd like to give a quick rebuttal to that.
我是华盛顿州的伊薇却斯参议员 Senator Evette Chase from the great state of Washington.
很高兴认识各位 It is so lovely to meet all of you.
我是惠妮 Hey, I'm Whitney.
当然罗还有你 这是我女儿 Oh, of course. There you are. My daughter.
很高兴认识你参议员大人 It's very exciting to meet you, Your Honor.
不用敬礼啦 You don't have to bow.
可以跟你合照吗 我想把照片挂在我餐厅的墙上 Can I take a photo with you to put on the wall of one of my restaurants?
等等再说 Maybe later.
厄尔请关门 Earl, can you close the door?
我有几件事要私下说 I have a few things I want to say in private.
北区大礼堂 这里有好多美好的回忆 North Con Hall. Buncha great memories here.
有一次我灌了太多酒 从那扇窗户往外吐 One time, I drank so many White Russians I threw up out of that window right there.
好恶心 Ew, Dad.
你一定会喜欢这里的 You're gonna love it here.
是啊我已经很喜欢了 Yeah. I already do.
这应该不用说了 我是公众人物 It goes without saying, I am a very public figure.
我们明白 你离婚的事我们都很清楚 Oh, we get it. We know all about your divorce.
你的前夫似乎是个废人 Your ex sounded like a real deadbeat.
- 谢谢他的确很废 - 你们说的是我爸耶 - Thank you. He was. - That's my dad.
丑话说在前头 Here's what I don't need.
我不希望三更半夜 I don't need to get woken up in the middle of the night
被电话吵醒 告诉我惠妮跟室友嗑药嗑茫了 by some frantic phone call telling me Whitney is getting high on opioids with the roommates
还在校园裸奔 and streaking across the quad with their junk hanging out.
- 妈 - 我们家女儿毒酒不沾 - Mom! - Our Kimmy has never touched drugs or alcohol.
她很宅 She doesn't go out much.
我相信 I believe it.
却斯参议员不用担心我 And you don't have to worry about me, Senator Chase.
我是个勤奋的好学生 渴望攻读科学 I'm a committed student eager to study the sciences.
听起来好刻意 Okay, that felt forced.
我很关心你们 别让我丢脸就是了 Look, I care about you girls. Just don't embarrass me
不然我就当你们死了 because then you're dead to me.
若你们接下来四年不上网推文 Oh, and if you could not tweet for the next four years
那就太好了 that'd be great.
天啊 你一定是蕾登 Oh, my gosh, you must be Leighton!
好高兴认识你 We're so happy to meet you.
抱歉 你们是哪里来的鬼 I'm sorry, who the fuck are you?
- 蕾登 - 什么 - Leighton! - What?
凡雀嘉和艾丝密呢 Where are Francesca and Esme?
她们是谁 Who are they?
我最好的朋友和室友 My best friends and my roommates?
我们才是你的室友 Dude, I think we're your roommates.
不是 No.
不是‥ No... no.
很高兴认识你们 Very nice to meet you all.
祝你们大学生活愉快 Have a great time in college.
蕾登 - Hey, Leight! - Hi.
这是怎么回事 What the fuck is going on?
这是我们的室友希妲莎 This is our roommate, Siddhartha.
我们一来 宿舍就分配了那个室友给我们 We just showed up and they assigned us with that random girl.
相信我我们跟你一样火大 Trust me, we were just as upset as you are.
怎么会这样 Okay, but how did this happen?
我们填的室友问卷调查一模一样 I mean, we filled out the rooming questionnaire the exact same way.
- 就是啊 - 会不会你答案写错了 - I know! - Is it possible that maybe you messed up your answers?
写作不是你的强项 I mean, writing wasn't your strong suit at Spence.
乱讲她文笔超好 Excuse me! She's a great writer, okay?
她为奶奶写的悼词惹哭全场 She wrote her Nana's eulogy. Not a dry eye in the house.
爸 Dad!
看吧 就说她们是混蛋 你不是 See? Assholes. Not you.
我不知道怎么会发生 这么离谱的错误 Look, I don't know how all this got so fucked up
但我会搞定的好吗 but I am gonna fix this somehow, all right?
拜托你 Please!
- 爱你 宝贝 - 要乖哦 小贝贝 - Love you, baby. - Be good, beta.
拜托别关注我的社群媒体 Don't follow me on social.
- 我爱你 - 我也爱你 - I love you. - I love you too.
你们要彼此照顾 All right, girls, take care of each other.
别忘了不要用免洗塑胶容器 And remember, no single-use plastics.
你还好吗 Hey, are you good?
道别时你爸抖得好厉害 Your dad was shaking pretty hard when he said goodbye.
他没事 他现在应该已经哭完了 Oh, he's fine. I'm sure he's finished crying by now, anyway.
爱你哦 宝贝 Love you, peanut!
欢迎 找张舒服的椅子坐吧 Welcome. Take a comfy seat.
这表示你是我们的室友吗 Does this mean you are our roommate?
不是‥教务处弄错了 Oh, no, no. But there's been a clerical error
我明天去处理 所以要跟你们住一晚 that I need to address tomorrow, so I'll need to stay for one night.
我们已经选好房间了 你跟贝拉一间 Well, we already picked rooms, so you're with Bela.
虽然只有一晚 但等等要讨论出一套规矩 Even though it's one night, we should probably sidebar about a system
免得我们有人带男生回来 in case either of us brings a dude home.
大家好我叫佛德拉斯穆森 Okay, everyone, my name is Frude Rasmunssen
是各位的新生指导员和朋友 and I will be your Freshman Advisor and Friend
简称新导友 aka, your "FAF."
欢迎来到艾赛克斯 Welcome to Essex!
先来个破冰话题 We'll start with some icebreakers.
大家轮流分享 自己感到害怕的时刻 Let's go around and share a time when we felt scared.
我先来 I'll start.
家族聚会时碰到雪崩 我有好几位亲戚死了 Avalanche during a family reunion. I lost several relatives
我自己也被活埋了好几天 and was, myself, entombed for many days.
下一位 Next?
我很怕我的跟踪狂 I'm scared of my stalker.
我是抖音网红 玛丽亚欧巴马是我的粉丝 I'm kind of a big deal on TikTok. Malia Obama follows me.
妈呀她有二十万追踪人数 Holy shit, she has 200,000 followers.
你专唱恶搞歌曲 Oh, my God, you do song parodies?
不要追逐特小号 Don't go chasing extra smalls
那是帮凯德巧克力的 身体自爱活动写的 That was for a body positivity campaign for Kind Bars
- 他们家的巧克力超好吃 - 真酷 - which are delicious. - So cool!
还有谁要分享 Who else?
我明天要去面试工读 有点紧张 I am a little nervous about my work-study interview tomorrow.
你有工作 Wait, you have a job?
我应征了 Well, I applied for one.
很不错金柏丽 Yes, great, Kimberly.
不要担心 艾赛克斯学院有很多工读生 And don't worry many students at Essex have student jobs.
还有谁有打工 Who else has one?
有人吗 Anyone?
- 看来这里只有你了 - 好哦 -I guess perhaps it is just you here. - Cool.
佛德 我相信你很在行 但是分享我们的恐惧不会‥. Look, Frude I'm sure you're good at this, but sharing our fears isn't...
我很害怕 因为我是同志 I'm scared because I'm gay.
我高中都没有出柜 不想再这样了 I was in the closet all through high school and I don't want to do that again.
所以我下定决心 一到这里就要跟大家说 So I promised myself I would tell everyone the minute I got here.
各位我是同志 Guys, I'm gay.
-噢 -好哦 - Oh. - Okay.
我也是同志 十二岁就出柜了 Oh, I'm gay, too. I've been out since I was 12.
这在奥克拉荷马并不好过 但我必须做自己 It wasn't easy in Oklahoma, but I had to be me.
他好帅哦 He's so handsome.
太好了 This is great.
我们知道了好多 关于同志新朋友的事 We are learning so much about our new gay friends!
你们为什么选择艾赛克斯 So, why did you all pick Essex?
我是冲着卡特兰来的 Oh, I'm here for The Catullan.
那是我们学校的搞笑杂志 The college comedy magazine.
在喜剧圈非同小可 It's a big deal in the comedy world.
很多周六夜现场的编剧 都是从这里起步的 A ton of writers on SNL got their start on The Catullan.
真酷我来是因为这是顶尖大学 Cool! I came 'cause it's prestigious.
我要以优等成绩毕业 再进入顶尖法学院 I'm gonna graduate summa and then I'm gonna go to a tier-one law school
之后麦斯和我要搬去华府 and then Max and I are gonna move to DC
成为像贺锦丽和道格一样的 模范夫妻 where we're gonna become a power couple like Kamala and Doug.
你们有另一半吗 Are any of you in relationships?
没有 我敬谢不敏 No, thank you.
我可不想上了大学 还和高中男友藕断丝连 I didn't come to college to be tethered to some dude I dated in high school.
而且我念高中时没有男友 Also, I never really dated anyone in high school
但我现在上大学了 对性爱非常积极 but I'm here. I'm super sex-positive...
虽然是理论大于实务 我已经做好开荤的准备 in theory more than in experience and I am ready to smash some Ds.
我跟麦斯还没做过 Max and I are waiting.
没有什么奇怪的理由 他只是还没准备好 Not for any weird reason. He's just not ready.
- 他没准备好 - 天啊 - He's not ready? - Oh, God.
有什么不对吗 What? What's wrong with that?
男生天生就准备好了 一定有鬼 Boys are born ready, so something's up.
他是不是一面在等 一面在看变装皇后秀 Yeah, is he, like, waiting but also, like, really up to date on Drag Race?
你们误会了 等待一定会很值得 Oh, no, it's nothing like that. It's gonna be worth the wait.
有人说他长得很像尚恩曼德斯 People tell him he looks like Shawn Mendes.
你们看过 尚恩曼德斯冲澡的影片吗 Hey, have you all seen that video of Shawn Mendes taking a shower?
好好看 It is very good.
跨球‥ Step... step!
- 追上去‥ - 停住她 - Get it, get it! - Cover up!
她很不错 She's good.
各位小姐加把劲 要让我刮目相看趁现在 All right, ladies, hustle! Now's when you should be impressing me!
瞧你笑容满面得意洋洋的 I see you smiling, feeling all proud of yourself.
我吗才没有 Me? No, I wasn't.
笑是应该的你动作很快菜鸟 You should smile. You're fast, rookie.
只是别太自大了 Just don't get too cocky.
我喜欢你的贴纸 Oh, I really like your sticker.
谢了我不知道那是什么意思 Thanks. I don't know what it means
但是在加油站看到 觉得贴在置物柜应该很酷 but I saw it at a gas station, and was like "That would be cool in my locker."
我以为这是指身份认同‥ Well, I think it's meant for people who identify as...
闹你的啦 我是百分之百的同志 I'm just playing. I'm super gay.
对女人是见一个爱一个 Like, I'm the LeBron James of being attracted to women.
- 我叫薇萝 - 我是惠妮 - I'm Willow. - Whitney.
如果我是富二代一定也跑很快 If I had a silver spoon like that, I'd run really fast too.
她自以为了不起 She thinks she's hot shit.
她大一就能上场 只是因为她妈 The only reason she gets playing time as a freshman is because of who her mom is.
- 洁娜你嘴巴真坏 - 我踢前锋比她强多了 - Oh, my God, Jena, you're so bad. - I know that I'm a better forward than she is...
没事吧 You good?
- 没事 我很好 - 那就好 - Yeah, yeah, I'm good. - Cool.
- 教练 - 进来 - Coach? - Yeah.
我可以跟你谈谈吗 Hey, can I talk to you about something?
没问题 什么事 Course. What's up?
有点严重 It's kind of serious.
我觉得踢球时很难专心 I just... I'm finding it really difficult to concentrate during practice because...
因为我很想上你 I want to fuck you so bad.
搞什么 Whit, what the hell?
抱歉我非说不可 I'm so sorry, I had to.
这里还有人耶 There are people still here.
大家都走了只剩一个工友 Everyone's gone except like one janitor.
是乔还是亚力山大 Hold on, is it Joe or Alejandro? 'Cause Alejandro notices everything.
因为什么都逃不过 亚力山大的眼睛 Because nothing escapes Alexander's eyes.
别紧张没人看到我 Chill, no one saw.
现在也不会有人看到 And no one will see this.
晚上还是要见面吧 We still on for tonight?
- 当然你快走 - 好 - Yeah. Now get out of here. - Okay.
- 天啊真的吗 - 对 - Oh, my God, really? - Yep.
- 我得到这份工作了 - 对 - I got the job? - Yep.
太好了 Oh, cool!
员工都要在工读助学金平台 线上交班表 So, all employees of Essex Sips need to submit their timesheets online through the financial aid work-study portal.
了解 Okay.
平台‥感觉好像星舰迷航记 "Portal." Guh. What are we on, Star Trek?
好笑吧 你喜欢好笑的东西吗 It's funny, right? You like funny things?
-喜欢啊 -我知道 - Yeah. - I know.
数到三我们一起说好笑的事 We both can say what we think is funny on the count of three.
- 不要啦 - 好嘛一起来一二三 Yeah! We'll do it together. One, two, three.
- 表情包 - Ｑ大道 - Memes. - Avenue Q.
- 表情包也很好笑 - 对 - Oh, memes, that's good too. - Yeah.
我们会相处愉快的 Wow, I think we're gonna get along.
- 你的个性很好 -谢谢 - You have a good personality. - Oh, thank you.
我可以告诉你一个秘密吗 Can I tell you something, between us?
我对其他工读生有点意见 I have some issues with the other work-study kids that I manage.
他们态度很差 They just have got a lot of attitude.
我要靠薪水付学费 Well, I really need this job to pay for school
我唯一的态度就是积极 so the only kind of attitude I have is "can-do."
很不错蛮妙的 That's great, very clever.
大家过来 Okay, everybody, huddle up.
开店之前先来见见新的实习生 Before we open, I'd like you to meet our new trainee.
这是金柏丽她很喜欢表情包 This is Kimberly, and she loves memes.
我还有别的嗜好和兴趣 In addition to other hobbies and interests, you know?
我一时想不起来有哪些 但我真的有 Which I can't think of right now, but I have them.
- 我是迦南 - 莉拉 - Canaan. - Lila.
我很高兴跟你们做同事 Cool. I'm really excited to be working at Sips with you guys.
我们一定会水乳交融 I... I'm sure we'll have a "latte" fun.
我必须说你真的很可爱 I just want to say, you are a wonderful little lady.
- 对 - 那是菜单吗 - Okay. - Oh, is that the menu?
-是 - 如果每天配不一样的粉笔画 一定很可爱 - It is. - You know what could be so cute is if we did little chalk drawings that changed every day.
今天可以画叶子 因为现在是九月 Like, today, we could do leaves. Because it's September.
我喜欢 I love it, yes.
莉拉你老是在涂鸦 Lila, you're always doodling.
以后每天早点进来画画 I want you to come in a few minutes early and decorate the board.
我画 是她建议的 Why me? She suggested it.
你比较有艺术天分 发挥创意画几片叶子就对了 Well, you're artsy, you know, so just have fun with it and draw some goddamn leaves.
- 再说一遍你姓什么 - 莫瑞 -So what did you say your last name was again? -Murray,
跟隔壁的莫瑞图书馆一样 as in Murray Library. The library next door.
我去年冬天在那边跌倒过 I slipped and fell there last winter.
搞到尾椎骨折 Broke my tailbone.
很遗憾 可以专心处理我的问题吗 I'm very sorry to hear that, but can we please focus on my problem?
跟最好的朋友分开 是很让人难过的事 It's extremely distressing to be separated from one's best friends.
看来你的个人习惯调查表‥ Okay, looks like you submitted a personal habits survey with
是和艾丝密薛佛 和凡雀嘉布罗姆利一起交的 Esme Schaffer and Francesca Bromley
你们的契合程度高达九成九 and got a 99% match-up with both of them.
没错但是系统出了问题 Exactly, but then there was some glitch in the system, or something
她们分配到的室友 是个穿怪衣服的女生 and they got assigned with some random girl with weird clothes.
有够倒霉 Bless her heart.
除了调查表之外 她们还写了对室友的要求 Well, in addition to the survey they also wrote specific directions in who they wanted in a roommate.
什么要求 我看看 Specific how? Let me see.
不要让我们 跟蕾登莫瑞当室友 Do not room us with Leighton Murray?
为什么她们干吗写这个 Why? Why the hell would they write that?
就是啊你看起来很好相处 I know. You seem like such a joy.
欢迎各位参加 卡特兰新秀作家会议 Welcome to the Catullan Perspective Writer's meeting.
我们是共同编辑 我是莱恩这是艾瑞克 We're the co-editors. I'm Ryan, this is Eric.
首先要谢谢各位 很高兴看到现场这么多人 We want to start by saying thank you. It's really great to see such a big turnout.
话虽如此各位要知道 That being said, know this going in.
卡特兰是本校选择标准 最严格的课外活动 The Catullan is the most selective extra-curricular on campus.
- 那阿卡贝拉呢 - 去他的阿卡贝拉 - What about a cappella? - Hey, fuck a cappella!
严格来说艾瑞克说得没错 Look, sure, what Eric's saying is technically correct.
不过这些晚点再说 But I think we're getting ahead of things here.
为搞笑杂志写作很好玩 Writing for a comedy magazine is fun.
我们很期待看到各位的作品 And we look forward to reading your writing samples.
三篇六百字禁用双关语 我是说真的 Three pieces, 600 words, no puns. I'm serious.
与其听我告诉各位 你们为什么应该投稿 But rather than me telling you why you should submit
不如听听校友怎么说 let's see what some of our recent alums have to say.
我是奥利佛罗尼 去年帮卡特兰写稿 I'm Oliver Roni, I wrote for The Catullan last year
我现在是 一部新动画的编剧助理 主角是一个郊区白人家庭 and now I'm a writer's assistant on a new animated show about a suburban white family.
妈呀 Holy shit!
- 20块 - 我丢进去的话给我20块 - $20. - $20 if I make this?
愿赌服输现金交易 Straight to you, cash now.
- 准备好了吗 - 出手吧 - Okay, ready? - Go ahead.
看到没有 Did you see that?
好算你厉害 Okay. I'll give it to you, I'll give it to you.
迦南 - Hey, Canaan. - Hey.
你喜欢杰斯吗 Do you like Jay-Z?
喜欢大概吧 Yeah, I guess.
我觉得他的音乐超酷 Yeah, I mean, I think his music is so dope.
有些人觉得他不只是歌手 还是先知 And some would say he's more than a musician. He's like a prophet too.
好哦 Okay.
我只想说我来自 亚利桑那州的小镇 Look, I just have to say, I come from a small town in Arizona
能交到黑人朋友 我觉得很开心 and it's really exciting for me to have a black friend.
还是应该说非裔美籍 Or, is it African-American?
因为有两派说法 I don't know, 'cause there are two schools of thought on that.
- 你觉得呢 - 说黑人没问题 - What... what do you think? - Black is... is fine.
好 黑人 Okay. So, black.
酷啊 Cool.
在艾赛克斯 身为黑人是什么感觉 And what... what's it like being black at Essex?
其实‥很难熬 You know it's hard.
这里懂我的人不多 他们怎么可能会懂我 Yeah. You know, not a lot of people here get me. And how could they?
我们的出身背景天差地远 I mean, we've led such different lives.
我以前没有摸过喀什米尔羊毛 You know, I've never touched cashmere before.
我很少告诉别人这件事 I don't really tell a lot of people this, but
我妈妈吸食快克成瘾 my mom is addicted to crack.
这是我的经历 You know, that's my story.
我必须在校园打三份工 And now I have to work three on-campus jobs
才能寄钱回去给她和我妹妹 just so I can send money back to her and my baby sister.
我只希望她不会拿去买毒品 And I just have to hope she doesn't spend it on crack.
天啊你真的太辛苦了 Oh, my God, that is just so much for you to be dealing with.
是啊‥但是你知道吗 Yeah, yeah, but you know what?
我比莉拉好多了 It is nothing compared to what Lila has been through.
那个可怜的女生比我苦太多了 I mean, that poor girl has it so much worse than me.
莉拉经历了什么事 What's Lila's story?
该死的 God damn it.
这是在搞什么鬼 What the actual fuck?
你们知道当着学校职员的面 被朋友甩了有多糗吗 Okay, do you guys have any idea how humiliating it is to be friend-dumped in front of a clerical worker?
相信我小蕾 我们也不希望这样 Believe me, Leight, we didn't want it to be this way.
其实我们是希望这样 但不想看到你这么难过 Well, we did want it to be this way, but it hurts to see you so upset.
我不懂 我以为我们是朋友 I don't understand. I thought we were friends.
怎么突然沉默了 难道我们不是朋友吗 What's with this fucking pause? Were we not friends?
对啦 我们是常常在一起 但老实说我们并不了解你 I mean, we hung out, obviously, but the truth is, we never really felt like we knew you.
你总是神神秘秘的 Yeah, you were always so secretive or something.
我们好像是在跟陌生人交朋友 It was like being friends with a stranger.
你们在说什么 我什么事都告诉你们 What are you guys talking about? I literally tell you everything.
你才没有 I don't think that's true.
你似乎筑了一道高墙 It's like, there's this wall with you.
不对哪有什么‥ No, there's...
随便啦‥我懒得管 God, okay, whatever! Whatever, I don't care.
抱歉 我不像其他女生一样 对闺密掏心挖肺 I'm sorry that I'm not like an over-sharer like every other fucking girl in our generation.
我只是觉得你可以更坦诚一点 I just think that you could open up more.
好‥这样够坦诚了吗 Okay, okay, is this open enough for you?
你们两个都去死吧 你们伤了我的心 fuck you both, you really hurt my feelings
祝你们被冷气机砸死 and I hope an air conditioner falls on you.
你一直没出房间 我从店里拿了吃的东西给你 Hey, you haven't been out in a bit so I brought you some food from work.
- 是什么 - 卷饼 - What is it? - A burrito.
我不想吃牛肉 丢掉 Ugh, no, I don't want beef. Just throw it in the trash.
我知道你想跟家乡的朋友一起住 Look, I know you wanted to room with your friends from home.
她们不是我的朋友是蠢婊子 They're not my friends, they're mouth-breathing cunts.
好明白 Right, okay.
如果你给我们一个机会 会很喜欢跟我们住的 Well I think if you give us a chance, you'll really like living with us.
我们在另一个房间玩牌 We're playing Uno in the other room right now...
金柏丽‥我来自纽约市 Kimberly, Kimberly, I'm from New York City.
我知道对你来说 玩牌是有趣的晚间活动 Okay? And I know from your world that probably sounds like a really fun evening.
但我觉得那比做抹片检查还惨 But for me, that's worse than getting a Pap smear.
出去时麻烦关门好吗 So can you shut the door when you leave?
你们可以借我的衣服穿 You guys can borrow any of my clothes you like.
胸罩 内裤 什么都行 Bras, underwear, nothing's off limits.
如果可以的话 我也想借你们的衣服 I'd like to borrow yours too, if that's cool.
- 我考虑一下 - 对 - I'll think about it. - Yeah.
没问题不用有压力 我明天再问你 Sure. No pressure. I'll follow up about it tomorrow.
这是蕾登莫瑞的房间吗 Hey, is this Leighton Murray's room?
有人吗 Hello?
对她住在这里 Yes. She lives here.
要命她真幸运 你们是很性感的一对 Damn, she's a lucky lady. You guys make a sexy couple.
其实她是我妹妹 She's my sister, actually.
- 糗了 - 你是蕾登的哥哥 - Yikes. - Your Leighton's brother?
那我们算是一家人了 到妈妈这里来 Then you're practically family! Come to Mama.
感觉像在拥抱雕像 It's like hugging a statue.
我是惠妮我代她向你道歉 Hi, I'm Whitney. Sorry about her.
惠妮却斯 你妈是参议员对吧 Oh, Whitney Chase. Your mom's a senator, right?
真酷 That's really dope.
我是金柏丽 I'm Kimberly.
我爸妈不是名人 我爸是连锁药局的经理 My parents aren't famous. My dad's a manager at Walgreens.
真酷 很高兴认识你金柏丽 Cool. Nice to meet you, Kimberly.
尼可 你来干吗 Nico, what are you doing here?
蕾登 你看起来惨透了 Whoa, Leighton. You look like shit.
小蕾 这也不是什么坏事 Leight, this isn't that bad.
说真的我觉得 你高中那批朋友都很烂 I mean, for what it's worth I thought all your friends in high school really sucked.
谢了 你总是知道要怎么哄我开心 Thanks, you always know how to cheer me up.
听着这可能是塞翁失马 Look, this could be a blessing in disguise.
我跟高中同学已经不联络了 I mean, I don't talk to anyone from high school anymore.
那是因为你没这个必要 Yeah, 'cause you don't need to.
大家都想跟你交朋友 Okay, everyone wants to be friends with you.
我只是个满脸痘痘 惹人厌的白痴 I'm just some judgmental dickhead with hormonal acne.
别说了 你的脸看起来还好啊 Hey, hey, stop. I think your face looks fine.
那是因为我用了超强遮瑕 That is because I use a great concealer.
小蕾 Look, Leight.
你是我认识最坚强的人 You are the strongest person I know.
我是你哥 但连我都怕你 Okay, I'm your older brother, and I'm even scared of you.
但你‥真的会让全艾赛克斯臣服 But you... you're going to crush Essex.
- 你真的这么想吗 - 对 -You really think so? -I do.
你是个好人 只是缺点很多 You're a good person underneath all your bad qualities.
谢了 Thank you.
柯瑞一直在打听你的事 Hey, so, Cory keeps asking about you.
- 他很高兴你终于来了 - 这样啊 - He's excited you're finally on campus. - Oh, cool.
我该怎么跟他说 So what should I tell him?
跟他说我不想跟我哥讨论 我的感情生活 You should tell him that I don't want to discuss my dating life with my older brother.
对啦说得也是 Okay, fair enough.
我先走了 All right. I'm gonna go.
但你应该可以 跟那些女生和平相处八个月 But I think you can handle being civil to those girls for the next eight months.
我觉得她们人很不错 They seem perfectly nice to me.
- 那是因为她们想上你 - 我知道 -That's 'cause they want to have sex with you. -I know they do.
你真的有够恶心 Hey. You're disgusting.
我对她们很过分 I just... I've been such a bitch to them, you know? Like...
那就做点贴心的事 Well, do something nice, then.
让她们知道 你会是个好室友 Show them you're gonna be a good roommate.
回头见 I'll see you around.
- 你在衣柜里换衣服 - 什么 没有 -Were you just changing in the closet? -What? No.
我把原来的衣服换成这套 说是换衣服也没错 I mean, I went from one outfit to another. So, I mean, I guess you could call that changing.
这是因为你信教吗 Are you, like, religious, or something?
不是 我没有跟别人住过 No. I've just never lived with anyone before
有点不知所措 so I don't really know what to do.
我发现你今晚在打量蕾登的哥哥 Hey, so I saw you checking out Leighton's brother tonight.
绝对没有 不可能 我有麦斯 Oh, definitely not. No, I have Max.
我家乡的男朋友 我爱他 My boyfriend from home who I'm, like, in love with.
如果你这么说是因为你喜欢尼可 那就勇敢去追 So if you're saying that because you like Nico you should definitely go for it.
不用了 我喜欢的是男人 不是男孩 Nah, that's all right. I like men, not boys.
莉拉 Hey, Lila.
嘿 Hey.
我只想说你启发了我 I just want to say I'm so inspired by you.
今天早上闹钟响时 我本来很想死 This morning when my alarm clock went off I thought to myself, "Kill me!"
但后来告诉自己 闭嘴金柏丽 But then I was like, "Shut up, Kimberly.
如果莉拉能克服万难来上班 你也可以起床 If Lila can go through what she's going through and come to work, you can get out of bed."
我克服了什么难关 What exactly am I going through?
一个人带孩子很辛苦吧 I mean, you know, it can't be easy with a baby.
孩子的爸爸又在坐牢 And the baby's dad being incarcerated.
因为坐牢的不只是受刑人 'Cause prison isn't just for the prisoner.
还有受刑人的家庭 In a way, it's prison for the whole family.
你在胡说八道什么 我没有孩子 也没有孩子的爹 The fuck are you talking about? I don't have a kid or a baby daddy
更别说是在坐牢的男人了 and definitely not one that's in jail.
但是迦南说‥ Oh, but Canaan said...
那是他闹你的 Yeah, well, he was messing with you.
他知道你会照单全收 And he knew you'd believe it too
因为你是个来自亚利桑那狗屎镇的乡巴佬 because you're some hick from "Shit Town, Arizony."
迦南 你真的很烂耶 Wow, Canaan, you're such an asshole.
说句公道话 那还蛮好笑的 Okay, to be fair, it was pretty funny.
所以都是骗我的 So it was all bullshit?
我打赌你妈也没毒瘾 I bet your mom's not even addicted to crack.
没错 她在马里兰当法务助理 No, she's a paralegal in Maryland.
我妈不是毒虫 你很不爽吗 Are you mad that my mom's not a crackhead?
对‥我是说没有 Yeah. I mean, no, I...
我只是想在新环境认识新朋友 你不用那么混蛋 I mean, I'm just trying to meet people at a school where I don't know anyone. You don't have to be a jerk.
别激动‥他不是有意的 Okay, relax. Relax. He doesn't mean it.
他家里事情很多 He's going through a lot at home.
他哥哥才刚因为混帮派 毁了美式足球员的运动生涯 His brother just ruined a promising football career by joining a gang.
我不知道‥ Well, I didn't know...
他叫罗沙德 但现在要我们叫他恶血哥 His name is Rashad. But now he makes us call him "Thug Blood."
天啊 拜托你 闭嘴 Oh, my God, come on. Shut up.
你们两个有什么毛病啊 What is wrong with you two?
薇萝 Willow!
这里‥ Right here, right here!
- 搞什么鬼 - 快点 - What the fuck? - Let's go!
惠妮 这是你的球‥ All right, this is yours, Whitney, this is yours.
你是有什么毛病 What the fuck is your problem?
别碰我 自以为是的贱人 Don't touch me, you entitled bitch.
够了‥你今天到此为止 快走‥. Enough... enough! All right, you're done for the day, go.
- 只有我吗 真的 -快走 - Just me? Are you serious? - Go!
- 是她先推我的大家都看到了 - 走吧‥ - She shoved me first. Everyone saw it. - Let's go.
回去练习 Back to practice, everyone.
看什么看 Come on, what are you looking at?
- 那是什么 - 巧克力棒 - What was that? - A Kit Kat?
去你的巧克力 fuck your Kit Kat.
我说的是洁娜 她已经很恨我了 I'm talking about Jena. She already hates me.
你给我特殊待遇只会火上加油 The last thing I need is looking like I'm getting special treatment.
你不要插手我的事 我自己处理 Let me fight my own battles, I can handle myself.
你说的处理是让别人修理你吗 Yeah, if by "handle yourself," you mean get your ass kicked.
洁娜在场上对你动手动脚 难不成要我袖手旁观吗 Jena was throwing you around the field like a ragdoll. What was I gonna do? Let her rip your head off?
听着 这是我的问题 不是你的 Look, this is my problem, not yours.
你这样 只会越帮越忙 Really, you're only making things worse.
惠妮 Whitney.
嘿 嘿 Hey! Hey!
艾瑞克对吧 我是贝拉摩赫查大一新生 Eric, right? I'm Bela Malhotra. I'm a freshman.
我前几天参加了卡特兰的说明会 I was at The Catullan orientation the other day.
抱歉那天现场有好几百人 我连电邮都还没看完 Sorry, there's literally hundreds of people there. I'm still reeling from the e-mails.
我知道你要我们交文字稿 So, I know you said that we should drop off our submission packets.
但是我可不可以用录的 But I was wondering if I could film mine
好让你听到我的声音 so you could hear it in my voice?
我现在念给你听也行 Or I could read it to you right now.
不用这样不好 Oh, no, I really wouldn't like that.
你的热忱很感人 Look, it's great that you're excited
但若今年没有入选 不要太难过 but don't be too bummed if you don't make the staff this year.
什么为什么这样说 What? Why would you say that?
今年应征的新生和高年级生很多 It's just, with all the freshman and all the upperclassmen that are reapplying...
我想女性名额可能不多 I don't know if there are gonna be that many female spots.
女性名额 你还没看完所有的稿子 "Female spot"? You haven't even read all the submissions yet.
今年竞争很激烈 It's just a really competitive year.
我们干部的兄弟姐妹也来应征 You know, a bunch of siblings of staff members are submitting
而且我们已经有两个女生了‥ and we already have two women on staff, so...
你们一共有十五个人 Of, like, 15 people.
我也不想这样 Look, I hate it too.
我巴不得伊莉莎白华伦能当总统 I would give anything for Elizabeth Warren to be president, but...
但是‥不要气馁 keep your chin up.
如果你喜欢喜剧 You know, if you love comedy
我们学校还有另外五个即兴剧团 there's like five other improv troupes on campus.
锅贴剧团的成员都是亚洲人 Oh, and that one group, the Pot Stickers, is all Asian.
所以 So...
这是给你们的 So, these are for you all.
打开来看看 Come on, open them.
- 天啊是平板电脑 - 平板电脑 - Oh, my God, an iPad? - An iPad?
我的妈呀 Holy shit.
看来我会住下来 So it looks like I will be staying
我之前太过分这是道歉礼物 and this was my little way of apologizing for being such a bitch.
我不该说你们寒酸土气 和暴发户运动员 I should have never called you "tacky" "podunk," "new-money jock"...
- 你没有这么说过 - 没有吗 - You never said that. - I didn't? Oh.
总之我觉得我们可以 共同创造美好的同居经验 Anyway, I really feel like we could have a positive living experience together.
你们觉得呢 So what do you think?
- 是 - 好的 - Yeah. - Okay.
好的 Okay.
你好我‥. Hi, I...
抱歉我们不想签环保请愿书 Oh, sorry. We don't want to sign your environment petition or whatever.
麦斯 Max!
嘿 Hey!
天啊 这是麦斯我男朋友 Oh, my God, this is Max, my boyfriend.
长得像尚恩曼德斯那个 The one that looks like Shawn Mendes?
尚恩曼德斯 常有人说我们长得很像 Shawn Mendes, people tell me I look like that all the time.
你怎么来了 What... what are you doing here?
我想给你惊喜 所以从普林斯顿坐火车过来 Well, I wanted to surprise you. So I took the train up from Princeton
周末能不能住你这儿 and thought I could stay with you through the weekend?
当然可以 见到你真高兴 Of course, yes! I'm so happy to see you.
有吃的吗 我饿死了 信用卡又忘在普林斯顿 You got some like, food? I'm starving. And I left my credit card at Princeton.
- 有人今晚有计划吗 - 我可能有 -Hey, does anyone have plans tonight? -I might.
你们知道史考特主题派对 是什么吗 Do any of you know what a Drop It Like F. Scott party is?
-史考特费兹杰罗 -嗯 - F. Scott Fitzgerald. - Huh?
你要打扮成20年代的荡妇 You basically have to look like a '20s slut.
酷耶 Oh, sweet.
卡特兰要帮所有应征者 办一个派对 The Catullan is throwing one for all the people submitting
但我不知道该不该去 but I don't know if I should go.
我今天早上碰到编辑 他就差没明讲我没必要投稿 I ran into the editor this morning and he basically told me there's no reason to submit
因为今年没有女性名额 because there won't be any "female spots" this year.
他们有性别配额 太夸张了 Oh, they have a quota for gender? That's insane.
应该要跟教务处检举 And you should definitely report him to University Affairs.
干脆直接找美国公民自由联盟 Or, quite frankly, the ACLU.
怎么了 What?
抱歉 但我没听过这么蠢的事 I'm sorry, but that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.
- 你希望获选吧 - 对 - You want them to pick you, right? - Yeah.
那就想办法让他们喜欢你 Okay, well, make them like you.
别当装腔作势的女权人士 Okay, like, don't be some histrionic feminist
让他们知道你很随和很风趣 just show them you're chill and you're fun to have around.
蕾登说得对 I think Leighton's right.
姐妹们甜点来了 Girls! Desserts are out.
对不起 你的仗你来打 但拜托 别战死沙场
莱恩‥ Ryan!
嘿 莱恩 Hey, Ryan.
我很欣赏你的作品 I just want to say, I love your work.
欣赏我的作品 You love my work?
我猜猜你是新生吧 Let me guess. Freshman.
- 对 - 很好放轻松点 - Yeah. - All right, take it easy.
莱恩 我只想说‥ Ryan? I... I just want to say...
身为有色人种女性 和喜剧圈的女性 As a woman of color, and as a woman in comedy...
别说了 我现在昏昏沉沉的 Hey, let me stop you right there. I'm super-high right now
你现在跟我说什么都是白搭 so whatever this is, it's being wasted on me.
我只想成为卡特兰的一份子 Hey, I just want to be part of The Catullan.
很棒啊 不过这不是由我决定 必须全体投票通过 That's awesome. But it's not up to me. We all vote.
我劝你去拉拢那些人 So if I were you, I'd try to get those guys on your side.
你做了什么 You did what?
我帮六个人打了手枪 I gave six hand jobs!
当然不是同时啦 我又不是在拍成人片 Not at the same time or anything, I'm not like a porn star.
我个别找他们聊 说我是作家 I talked to each of them, told them I was a writer
很欣赏他们的作品 如果他们投票给我 我愿意帮他们打手枪 that I loved their work, and if they voted for me I could be into doing some hand stuff.
我说自己是很随和的女生 就像你说的那样 I told them I'm a girl who's chill, just like you told me to.
我可没叫你帮一堆人打手枪 I definitely didn't tell you to jerk a bunch of dicks.
你的口气很差耶 Okay, first off, why the shade?
我这次一箭双雕可以说是双赢 I got two things out of this. This is a win-win for me.
不仅提高了入选卡特兰的机率 还帮一堆男人打了手枪 I helped my chances of getting on The Catullan and I got to give a bunch of hand jobs.
没人喜欢帮别人打手枪 No one likes giving hand jobs!
也许我喜欢 也许我很爱 Maybe I do. Maybe I love it.
我活到现在 性经验是零 I've had, like, zero sexual experiences for most of my sad-ass life, so...
如果现在辣到让男人愿意脱裤子 那我自然不会拒绝 if suddenly I'm hot enough to have a bunch of dicks thrown my way sorry, but, I'ma crank 'em.
怎么了 What's going on?
贝拉用性爱换取机会 Bela traded sex for an opportunity.
男人几百年来都是这么做 我只是主客易位 Just like men have been doing for centuries, I flipped the script.
- 感觉并不是 - 我对性爱很积极 - I'm not sure you did. - I'm sex-positive, y'all!
你们就认了吧 Deal with it.
身为女性主义者 我觉得女性的性积极运动很棒 As a feminist, I think female sex positivity is great.
- 你好美 - 谢谢 -You're so beautiful. -Thank you.
我喜欢你的肤色 I like your skin tone.
我的肤色 My "skin tone"?
什么 我说了什么 What? What did I say?
- 感觉你对黑人女性有性癖好 - 才没有 -You sound like you have a black girl fetish. -No!
你否认得好快 You said no really fast.
我确实比较容易被黑人女性吸引 I mean, I do tend to find black women more attractive than other kinds of women,
- 但这不是坏事吧 - 是 没错 -but that's okay, right? -Yeah, that's okay
直到你说 我喜欢你的巧克力肤色 until you're like, "Ooh, I love your chocolatey skin."
我可没说巧克力 我还没那么蠢 I did not say "chocolatey." I know not to say that.
我真的很喜欢你 I really like you.
很好 我也很喜欢你 Okay, good. I like you too.
我唯一的癖好是足球 If anything, I have a soccer fetish.
糟糕 Oh, shit.
我们该走了 We should go.
蕾登根本是川普太太 但另外两个人很好 Well, Leighton is basically Melania but the rest of them seem pretty nice.
见到你真好 I'm so glad to see you.
适应大学生活比想像中还要难 The adjustment's been way harder than I expected.
没想到大家都这么有钱 I didn't know how rich everyone would be.
在普林斯顿也是 Oh, it's the same at Princeton.
我室友的家人带了佣人来帮他搬家 My roommate's family brought help on moving day.
天啊 Oh, my God.
我们就一起当穷人吧 But I guess you and I can be poor together.
我爱你 I love you.
我也爱你 I love you too.
大家都睡了 Everybody's asleep.
- 是吗 - 对 - Oh yeah? - Yeah.
我们要不要‥. Should we...
前提是你准备好了 I mean, only if you're ready.
我早就准备了 I'm so ready.
那是不是‥. Is that...
妈呀 Holy shit.
我十点钟下班 So, I have to work until ten
你要的话 到时候可以约了吃早餐 but we can meet up for a late breakfast after, if you want.
或者我们可以去校园商店 Or we could go to the campus store
买上面写 骄傲的艾赛克斯男友的上衣 and get you one of those "Proud Essex Boyfriend" T-shirts.
怎么了 有什么问题吗 What's up? What's wrong?
我在想 我们两个应该要脱离束缚 So, I was thinking maybe we should both be free.
完全同意 脱离什么束缚 I totally agree. Free from what?
彼此的束缚 Free from each other.
脱离彼此的束缚 Like free from each other...
你想跟我分手 like, are... are you... are you breaking up with me?
应该说 是我开启了讨论各自独立的对话 I think of it more as me initiating a conversation of our mutual independence.
开什么玩笑 你夺走了我贞操 现在又想甩了我 Are you fucking kidding me? You took my virginity, and now you're dumping me?
你也夺走了我的贞操啊 Whoa... whoa, we took each other's virginity.
我的贞操跟你一样脆弱 Mine was just as fragile as yours.
老兄 这太过分了 Dude, that is fucked up.
可以给我们一点隐私吗 Can we have some privacy, please?
想得美 No.
你这只笨拙的性爱菜鸟 昨晚独占公共区域 You had the common room all last night with your grunty,
把我们困在房间里 novice boinking while we were trapped in our rooms.
还被迫听你重复播放恶烂的性爱歌单 And we had to listen to your crappy sex playlist on repeat.
你害我讨厌红发艾德 You made me hate Ed Sheeran.
你来是为了跟我做爱 然后甩了我 Is that why you came here? To have sex and then dump me?
我很关心你金柏丽 Look, I really care about you.
不要 什么都别说 我再也不想看到你了 No, don't say anything. I never, ever want to see you again.
真的很抱歉 我要走了 I am so sorry about that and I'm gonna go
但是我忘了带牙刷 but I did forget my toothbrush.
- 穿衣服 - 滚出去 - Put a shirt on! - Get the fuck out of here, dude!
你好 贝拉‥ Hi, Bela... Hi, Bela.
你好 贝拉‥ Hi, Bela. Hi, Bela.
不管发生什么事 我只想告诉你 I wanna...No matter what happens, I want you to know
不管发生什么事 我只想告诉你 我以你为荣 No matter what, I want you to know that I am so proud of you.
你好贝拉 是你 贝拉 不管发生什么事 Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela. No matter what happens...
你好 贝拉 Hi, Bela.
试音‥ Testing, testing?
你好贝拉 Hi, Bela.
是你 贝拉 It's you, Bela.
今天就能知道 有没有被卡特兰选上 Today you find out if you make The Catullan or not.
不管发生什么事 我只想告诉你 我以你为荣 But I want you to know that no matter what happens today I'm proud of you.
你是个狠角色 You're a boss bitch.
记得 莫莉香侬不是第一次尝试 就上了周六夜现场 And just remember, Molly Shannon didn't get SNL on her first try.
瑞秋德拉彻也是 Neither did Rachel Dratch.
但她们后来都入选了 还成为喜剧界偶像 But eventually they all did, and went on to become icons.
知道吗 你也绝对会‥ And you know what? You fucking will...
太好了 Yes!
让一让 我自拍会拍到你 Dude, can you move? Your reflection's in my selfie.
道顿 Dalton!
- 嘿 - 嘿 - Hey. - Hey.
当真吗 Dude, are you serious?
辣味多力多滋 真的是健康的当季食物吗 Are Tapitio Doritos really part of a healthy on-season diet?
你不是该以身作则吗 Shouldn't you be leading by example?
对啦 我知道 我只是‥ Yeah, no, I know, I just...
宝贝‥.这是你的球员吗 Babe. Babe, is this one of your players?
你好 我是蜜雪儿道顿的太太 很高兴认识你 Hi, I'm Michelle. I'm Dalton's wife. It's so nice to meet you.
这是惠妮 This is Whitney.
天啊 当然 Oh, my God, of course.
对不起 我不是跟踪狂 但是我很崇拜你妈 I'm sorry, not to be a stalker or anything but I'm a big fan of your mom.
看她修理步枪协会‥我爱死她了 The way she gives it to the NRA... I just love her.
谢谢 她的确很棒 Thanks, she's great.
我得走了 Yeah, I gotta go.
但是耳闻已久 很高兴终于见到你本人了 But it's really nice to put a face with the name I've heard so many times.
再见 Bye.
艾赛克斯啜饮馆
嘿 Hey!
你刚刚是不是把垃圾丢在他面前 Did you just throw your trash on the floor in front of him?
反正他已经在扫地了 He was already sweeping there.
所以你就把卷饼的包装纸 丢在他面前 Oh, so you just bounce your little breakfast wrap wrapper on the ground
而不是像正常人一样 拿去丢在垃圾桶 instead of carrying it to the trash like a normal fucking person?
你是有什么毛病 他不是你的佣人 What the fuck is wrong with you? He's not your goddamn servant.
- 没什么大不了的 - 是啦我懂 - It's not a big deal. - Look, I get it.
你大概是从拍美丽心计 那座小镇来的 You're some asshole from that town where they shot Big Little Lies or some shit
穿的是一百块的牛仔裤 and you wear hundred-fucking dollar jeans.
牛仔裤一百块不算贵 That's not a lot of money for jeans.
给我闭嘴 学校不是人人都很有钱 Shut the fuck up. Not everyone on this campus has money.
有些人必须工作 Some of us have to work these jobs because
因为 虽然我们来之前并不知道 但我们算是穷人 even if we didn't know it until we got here we're kind of poor.
也许我没有最新的苹果手机 So, yeah, maybe I don't have the newest iPhone
也许我不知道什么叫做库斯库斯 and maybe I don't know what couscous is
但我还是个人 他也是 but I'm still a fucking person, and so is he
麻烦请把我们当人看 so treat us like we fucking matter, okay?
好啦‥ Okay, fine.
对不起 I'm sorry.
而且裤子的价钱 不该超过40块 And no pants should cost more than $40.
说得对 妹子 I agree with you, bitch.
天啊 甜甜圈好吃得要命 Oh, my God. This donut is insane.
要不要吃一口 Do you want a bite?
不用了 我吃东西不是为了享受 No thanks. I don't eat for enjoyment.
-蕾登 -还好吗 -Leighton, 'sup? - Hi.
还记得柯瑞吧 You remember Cory, right?
你去年在蒙托克的派对见过他 From the party at Montauk last summer?
我们玩夺旗足球时是同一队 We were on the same team for flag football.
蒙托克夺旗足球 Montauk? Flag football?
百分之百的白人活动 That's the whitest shit I've ever heard.
这是赞美 I mean that as a compliment.
如果需要人带你参观校园 随时跟我说 Hey, if you need a tour around campus or something let me know.
好 谢了 Okay, thanks.
- 我可以跟吗 - 绝对不行 - Does that offer include me? - No, it definitely does not.
我知道我们才刚认识 Hey, I know we just met
但你可以撩起上衣 让我看你的身体吗 but would you be willing to lift your shirt up and show me your torso?
这是第一次有人对我提出这种要求 I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before.
借过 Excuse me.
超棒的 你人真好 That's great. You're very nice.
如果你跟室友晚上没事 Hey, if you and your roommates are free tonight
我们在兄弟会有派对 过来一起玩 we're throwing a party at Theta Pi Delta. You should stop by.
对啊 一定要来 Yeah, stop by.
天啊蕾登 你要跟满分男上床了 Oh, my God, Leighton, you're gonna fuck a ten!
别赖在床上了 我们受邀去高年级生的派对 Out of these beds, motherfuckers because our suite just got invited to an upperclassmen party.
我今天过得很糟 没什么心情 I don't know about that. Today was really shitty.
我要留在宿舍看 小男孩被蛇吃掉的巴西纪录片 I'm just gonna stay in and finish this sad Brazilian documentary about a snake who ate a boy.
我也不想出门 Yeah, I'm staying in too.
不行‥关掉 我们要出去 No... no. Turn them off. We're going out.
我们是怎么受邀的 How, exactly, did we get invited to this party anyway?
是蕾登性感的哥哥 尼可 Leighton's smoke show brother, Nico.
和更性感的朋友柯瑞 而且他想上蕾登 And his somehow even hotter friend Cory who wants to rail Leighton.
我真的很不想去 Yeah, I really, really don't want to go.
金柏丽 亲爱的 Kimberly. Sweetie.
你男朋友麦斯烂透了 Your boyfriend Max fucking sucked.
他吃光了我们的燕麦棒 He ate all our Nutri-Grain bars
而且我很确定他偷用我的丝瓜络 and I'm pretty sure he used my loofah.
我知道他是你的初恋 也是你第一根老二 I know he was your first love, and your first, you know, dick.
但他是渣男 But he was a dud.
而且他超会掉毛的 活像喜马拉雅山雪人 Also, he shed on the sofa like a cat. The dude was a yeti.
听着 Look.
男人视我们如粪土 我们莫可奈何 We don't have power over when guys treat us like shit.
但我们可以控制自己的心情 But what we can control is how much we let it affect us.
这好像是希拉蕊说的 I think Hillary Clinton said that.
咱们四个出去大醉一场 So, I say the four of us go out, get tanked
说不定会碰到一个不把我们当垃圾的男人 and, who knows, maybe we'll end up meeting a guy who doesn't treat us like garbage.
没有也没关系 至少我们玩得很开心 Or not. It doesn't matter. At least we'll be having fun.
你觉得呢 What do you think?
来嘛‥. Come on... come on!
太好了‥. Yes! Yes!
对 她说得对 Yeah, she does!
-我们要出去玩了 -对吖 - We're gonna go out! - All right.
好冷 你应该让我穿防寒外套的 It's freezing. I wish you had let me wear my anorak like I had wanted.
史上没有人穿了防寒外套还有得搞 No one in the history of the world has gotten laid wearing an anorak.
尼可 Nico!
让那几个女生进来 Yo, let those girls through.
可恶 Oh, God damn it.
我手机忘在房间 我回去拿 You know, I left my phone in the room. I'm gonna go back and get it.
别拿了用我的就好 No... no, it's fine, just use mine.
没关系 我马上回来 No, it's okay, I'll be right back.
要我们等你吗 Do you want us to wait for you?
不用 没关系 你们先进去 No, it is fine. Go in, go in.
快去吧 我的咪咪快冻僵了 Let's go, my tits are freezing off.
真不敢相信 我们居然进来了 I can't believe we got in here.
我真爱大学生活 I fucking love college.
要命 卡特兰的两个女生在那边 Oh, shit. Those two girls from The Catullan are over there.
去打个招呼 Oh, go say hi.
还不要 我要先耍酷一阵子 Not yet, I'm gonna play cool for a little bit.
要保持冷静 Gotta keep it chill.
-别一直看 -我不是在看她们 - Dude, can you stop looking? - I'm not looking at them.
- 眼睛看前方 - 好啦 - Just keep your head facing forward. - Okay, fine.
下一个 Next.
- 抱歉 这些杯子都没密封 - 所以呢 -Oh, no, I'm sorry. These are open containers. - So?
所以可能会被下药 So someone could have put something in it.
有没有瓶子或罐头 Do you have a bottle or a can?
当然兄弟会派对饮品选择很多 想看酒单吗 Oh, sure. This frat party has a wide variety of drink options. Do you want to see a wine list?
我觉得你好像语带讽刺 但是又不能确定 I think you're being sarcastic, but I'm not sure.
这些就可以了谢谢你 These are great. Thank you so much.
我们走了谢谢 We're gonna go. Thanks.
麦斯 我只想问问你好不好
麦斯 我可以继续用你的网飞密码吗
喝‥. Chug... chug!
- 天啊 你还好吗 - 没事 - Oh, my God, are you okay? - Yeah...
我去帮你拿纸巾 Let me get you some napkins.
不用我只想回去我不该来的 No, no, I just want to leave. I shouldn't have even come here.
- 要我们陪你回去吗 - 不用我想独处一下 - Do you want us to come with you? - No, I really want to be alone.
嘿 Hey.
我认识你对吧 I know you, right?
对我是你妹妹的室友 Yeah, I live with your sister.
不是我在搬家日见过你 No, not that. I saw you on move-in day.
你在打量我 You were checking me out.
我吗才没有 Me? I was not checking you out.
我可能在看你 眼神可能在你身上游移 I mean, I might have been looking at you and, yes, might eyes might have lingered on your body, but...
但这是看到上空男跑步的正常反应 that's like a totally normal human reaction to a shirtless man running.
我没有打量你 I definitely was not checking you out.
别紧张 我是闹你的啦 Whoa, I'm just messing with you, relax.
- 你要走了 - 对 - Are you leaving? - I am.
我们的派对这么无聊 连新生都要早退 Is our party that bad that even freshmen are leaving this early?
不是我今天过得很糟 No, I'm just having a really shitty day.
怎么了 What's going on?
我想穿防寒外套 大家都不让我穿 Well, I wanted to wear my anorak, and no one would let me
现在全身南瓜啤酒 我的臭男友又甩了我 and now I'm covered in pumpkin ale and my stupid fucking boyfriend dumped me
而且我很确定 他离开时偷了我的体香剂 and I'm pretty sure he stole my deodorant before leaving.
我的天啊 Jesus Christ.
是啊 I know.
- 祝你玩得开心 - 等一下我可以帮你 - Have a nice night. - Hey, wait. I can help with this.
我帮你找件衣服换上 Why don't I grab you something dry to wear?
你留下来玩 我们也可以保留一点颜面 And you can stay, and Theta can save a little face.
好 这我可以 Yeah. Yeah, okay, I can do that.
一言为定 Deal.
你身上的啤酒味好重 Wow, I'm really smelling the beer on you now.
连我胸罩里都有 I think a bunch of it got into my bra.
我去帮你拿衣服 Let me grab you that shirt.
我是贝拉 Hey, it's me, Bela.
我通过卡特兰的初选了 Made the first cut of The Catullan.
很期待与你们共事 I'm really excited to work with you guys.
我们喜剧圈的女生要团结 对吧 Us girls in comedy gotta stick together, right?
去死吧 大一荡妇 Blow me, freshman slut.
也许你该先问一下‥ Maybe you should have checked first
被你打手抢的那些男生 有没有女朋友 to see if any of those guys you jerked off had girlfriends.
我朋友跟我以前常去沃尔格林药局偷东西 You know, my friends and I used to steal shit from Walgreens all the time.
我爸知道一定很不爽 My dad would not be happy about that.
抱歉 我们可以走了吗 - Hey. Sorry, can we go? - Hey.
可以啊 没事吧 Oh, sure, is everything okay?
没事 这个派对好无聊 我想走了 Yeah, totally. Party's lame. Just wanna go.
抱歉 Sorry.
没关系 那改天见 - Oh, it's all good. - Another time.
要找惠妮和蕾登一起走吗 Should we grab Whitney and Leighton?
惠妮不想走 蕾登没有回来 Whitney said she wants to stay. And Leighton didn't come back.
她放我们鸽子 She totally blew us off.
- 走吧 - 谢谢 - Let's go. - Thank you.
- 我是惠妮 - 迦南 - Hey, I'm Whitney. - Canaan.
- 迦南 - 对 迦南 - Canaan? - Yes, Canaan.
你妈妈信教很虔诚 还是喜欢康乃迪克的小镇 Is your mom religious or just super into towns of Connecticut?
不能都是吗 Can't it be both?
- 你住哪间宿舍 - 不行 - What dorm you in? - No.
你说什么 Excuse me?
你我对我的宿舍都不感兴趣 我只想看你的房间 Neither of us care what dorm I'm in. I wanna see your room.
什么 What?
带我去看你的房间 Show me what your room looks like.
你想找人搞 Oh, you trying to fuck.
好‥.我带你去看房间 Oh, yeah, yeah, let's show you the room.
- 我今天晚上一定很帅 - 还行啦 - Damn, I must look good tonight. - You're all right.
拜托 不要再下注了 已经没必要了 No more bets, please. No more bets.
蕾登 我是金柏丽芬克
你的室友
从亚利桑那吉伯特来的那个
你没有回派对 我只想确定你没事
- 再来一杯 - 没问题 - Another. - Sure.
洁莉安34岁 距离你42米
你好啊
你好辣 You're so hot.
不要讲话 到床上 No talking. Get on the bed.
导 演 大卫·戈登·格林